I’ve been a little absent in the blogosphere this last week, and today’s post is a little bit of an explanation why. It’s unusual for me to get super personal on Free Stylin’, and I hope you’ll excuse me while I deter from our regularly scheduled programming of home decor and thrifty ideas in order to share a few of the thoughts on my mind.
What many people don’t know about me is that I have an estranged family member…one that, if you were to hear His place in the group, you would automatically assume He’d be at the Thanksgiving or Christmas table. You’d think exchanging birthday presents and weekly phone calls were a given. Going a week or two without seeing Him would be understandable.
But, unfortunately, not in this case.
Because we haven’t seen each other in seven years. Seven. Since Pickle was a baby.
The whole situation is a sad, messed up story. One full of regret and guilt and good intentions and broken promises…on all sides. I’ll spare you all the details – because no one is in the right, and no one is in the wrong. It’s just not been the textbook relationship most would assume you’d have with Him.
A couple of Christmas cards have been the only correspondence in the last few years…I wanted Him to be able to see the boys growing up even if they hadn’t met. Living in Florida for the last three years has also made it a bit hard to get together, but, to be honest, the relationship has always been…just…hard.
I’ve never loved the way things are with Him. I’ve always wanted more – more happiness, more fun times, more memories. It just hasn’t been that way. No matter how any of us try. Blah.
As you can imagine, it came as quite a shock when we got a phone call the other night saying He was in the hospital an hour and a half away.
He is paralyzed. He is very sick. He is dying.
This was not on my radar. It came SO out of left field.
My tears for the next week were from a million different places…anger, sadness, guilt, regret, fear, relief, gratitude.
All the conversations the evening we were called were surreal: Why have we not heard sooner? Will we make it to the hospital in time? Will he recognize us? Are we planning a funeral this week?
We went to the hospital. I was honestly so scared…scared of what I’d find, scared of how I’d be received, scared of what was happening.
But, as we walked into the room, it was as though the fear, the negative emotions, the frustrating memories, the sad times were all stuck outside the door. They couldn’t come in. Instead, there was only peace.
Peace and love.
That’s not to say that the other emotions didn’t greet me at the door when I walked back out…I didn’t just forget or ignore them. Because they are a part of everything. And they’re real. But I wasn’t burdened with them while I sat next to Him.
We spent the day with Him. We talked, we laughed a bit, we cried. Again, it was surreal to see this person you’ve known for so long in such a state. His soul was the same, His smile was the same, but His body…his poor body, was not the same. He is so small. And tired.
As we left, before some of the roller coaster of emotions hit, I specifically recall feeling gratitude: for the chance to see Him again, for the good visit, for the positive things that have come from our relationship. Gratitude that I’m able to live near family again so I can be present for this. Gratitude for other family members to share the same feelings with – to know none of us have to go through this alone…including Him.
I will be going to see Him every week now. We have no idea how long He will be with us, but I’d like to see if, again, there is a way to try to push the past aside. “We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.” Charles R. Swindoll
So that’s my thoughts for now. Thanks for letting me take a few minutes to get my feelings out. This has been weighing heavy on my heart, and I didn’t feel like I could continue talking about projects and crafts and such before I addressed where I am…right now…in this place. Out of respect for Him, I didn’t want to just act like none of this was happening…even on my blog.
Thanks for listening,
Hang in there Beth. We all understand. I wish I could have gotten that oppertunity with someone close. Enjoy what time ya’ll have. we will be here when you get back
I’m sorry to hear about it but I am glad you were able to reconnect. It sounds like the reconnecting will be a healing process at least in some sense. Hugs.
Wow Beth..I would say a roller coaster for sure…will be praying for you and this situation and may you find more peace. Miss you so much..hugs and love from Florida!!
Oh Beth, you are so sweet. Thanks for sharing that. It hits home for me. Bless you as this situation plays out. XOXOXO
((HUGS))
Let me know if you need anything. If you want to go alone one week we would be happy to watch your boys.
heartfelt. the lord is watching over you. he can heal hearts. i know. my heart was healed. you will find peace and i promise you the good times, though they may be few, and the happy memories, because they are there, will float to the top. i could have written your post…my story is so similar. and that’s the amazing thing about forgiveness…it is as much for us as it is for the person to whom it is directed. my love to you.
Beth, {{HUGS}} I’m so sorry you and your sisters are going through this. I can’t even begin to understand how it must feel to be in your situation, but I can honestly say that you are handling it with grace and elegance. I’m sorry he is dying and that you have to reunite under these circumstances. At least now though you and your kids can get to know him and create some memories with him before his time comes to leave this earth.
Big hugs to you and your sisters. xoxo
Allison
Totally can relate hun. What a remarkable memory you will have also in this adventure of life. Yes it isn’t what you want, but it is better than not having this opportuntity. Please know you are ll in my hearts, thoughts & prayers.
Renee’
Sending a big hug…Thank you for sharing what is happening with you, I know you must be emotionally exhausted, so take good care of yourself.
It’s hard for us to share the private part of ourselves with the world, even when we know that other people experience the same emotions. We look at our problems and think that they’re small and insignificant in the light of abuse, murders, day-to-day illnesses that others battle. They’re not. They make us who we are. As human beings, we have the need to reach out to others when we’re in pain for comfort, for the voice of been there, done that, or for a prayer. Don’t deny yourself that need OR feel like you have to apologize/explain to us. It’s your blog, you do whatever you want here, whenever you want….we’ll be here.
♥hugs♥
Thanks for sharing your story. Perhaps it doesn’t seem like it now, but having this time together to speak to Him from your heart is truly a blessing. I lost my middle sister tragically to a car accident 5 yrs ago and would give anything to have just moments to say “I am sorry” and “I love you!” Take this time and use it to mend & build relaionships~guided by love. I think you will be glad you did. Again, thanks so much for sharing with all of us & my thoughts & prayers are with you,
Angela
Your readers will always be here for you. You are right where you need to be now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I find that my emotions during these times directly affect my ability to be creative – your mind is where it needs to be right now. You may never lose the feelings of hurt from the past, but I know you will always be grateful for this chance to reconnect and spend time with him at the end. Years from now, you will always remember that you were able to spend those last days together. My prayers are with you.
Sometimes all you need is love. Glad to know you are feeling love toward one another instead of bitterness. What ever happen in the past is the past. Live for today and live each moment a if it’s your last. You never know when you might not get a chance to tell someone how much they mean to you and how much you love them.
I pray your brother is not suffering and his pain is minimal. Saying a few prayers for you today.
Found your blog on HOH. I can feel the heartache and happiness in your words. So glad you were able to see your family member. Praying for smiles, laughter, healing, and wonderful memories to be made in your upcoming visits.
Hang tough! I know kind of how you feel. I have someone like that (not in my life) – I haven’t seen HIM in 17 years. I don’t plan on it, either, but it still makes me sad. Hugs!
Stopping in to give you a virtual hug, via HoH.
Hi Beth, I’m new here too, HOH sent us over, and I had no idea what to expect when she said you were going through a rough time, but this is def a tough situation. I too think you handled it with grace, nothing can change the past, BUT hopefully this will help you move on and be a in a better place. Holding on to those feelings is not healthy, and so painful, I know, from experience. I would not wish harm on my (HIM) ever, despite everything, so I can’t even imagine how I’d handle the situation. Stay strong, and be well girl. You sound amazing!!
Hugs, Bella
I’m following you girl, so keep sharing if it helps, we are all here for you!! I love the blogging community, we are so lucky to have each other!
So sorry Beth! I can’t imagine the feelings you must be going through, but I hope you will have peace and comfort through this experience. I know that without the gospel it could be harder. Enjoy the time that you have left.
Beth, I have a Him in my life too. It’s been 8 years since we’ve seen Him and he’s only met 1/2 of my kids. I can totally relate.
Hugs and prayers!
Oh, Beth I a so sorry to hear this news. I think I can assume who you are talking about and I am so sad to hear of your struggle. Take care, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Much love to you, AO
Beth, that took courage. Courage to go be there and courage to share it with us, your readers.
When the chips are down, sometimes the only thing you can do is be there. And you were. Well done.
Heather
Reading this gave me chills. (I’m not prone to chills)
I’ve been in a somewhat similar situation – we ended up with more time.
Your life was enhanced by this. You have grown.